How Discovering Your Love Language Can Create Miracles In Your Relationship

Posted February 14, 2013


Sooo it’s time to get a bit personal by talking about my own love life – and some amazing changes my husband and I introduced in just the last three months (we’ve been together since October 2000).

For anyone who’s slogged it out with a partner for aaaages – thick and thin, rich and poor, before-children and after-children – you’ll be aware that relationships can be a constant lot of hard work. The super-sexy ‘honeymoon period’ when you first meet each other fizzles out way too quickly, only to be replaced with conversations about who pays the bills, who takes out the rubbish and who left the toilet seat up.
Even worse, books like Gary Chapman’s cult classic The Five Love Languages talk about the fact that many couples stay together for years and years, yet are totally unsatisfied – sometimes almost to the point of not speaking and not making love. Why? Because they’re not keeping each others ‘love tanks’ full. They don’t know what their partner’s ‘primary love language’ is.
I know what my husband’s ‘primary love language’ is because he came bounding into the living room one evening at 11pm with excited puppy dog eyes saying “Look! I just finished this multiple choice quiz, and you have to do it too! NOW!” The quiz is provided in Gary’s book, and helps you figure out which of the five primary love languages you ‘speak’ – is it Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts or Words of Affirmation?
So, for example, if your primary love language is Acts of Service, and you’re constantly making your boyfriend cups of tea, folding his underwear and driving him wherever he wants to go, then it’s a compete waste of energy if HIS primary love language is Physical Touch – all he’s craving is a cuddle!

From a spiritual point of view, I believe our most intimate relationships are with souls who we are purposely designed to conflict with in many deeper ways.
Love ain’t grand, perfect and romantic like in Hollywood movies, and nobody actually lives “happily ever after” because after the commitment is when the REAL soul work begins. Your boyfriend or girlfriend is here to test you, help you evolve, learn spiritual lessons, resolve karma, strengthen certain qualities and hold up a mirror to your belief system.
You can always ditch them and run away to another partner, but you’re only going to repeat those same emotional blocks within your relationships until you sort them out. May as well stay and love/fight with the special soul you’re with! Then you either evolve onwards and upwards with that person, or move on to a partner offering a new (slightly higher) vibration.

A final note: you’ve all heard of gratitude journals, right?
Oprah made them huge in the 90s – the idea of writing down at the end of the each day three things you’re grateful for (from ‘drinking herbal tea in the sunshine’ to ‘kicking my nicotine addiction’). Well, hubby and I have been keeping them for each other. First we both made our own list of stuff we LOVE (eg. foot massages, dinners in restaurants, loving looks, sexy notes) – and every evening, I write down three things I did for him (from his list), plus three reasons I’m grateful for him. He does exactly the same. Trust me when I tell you that this is a way to bring about MIRACLES in your relationship.

Do you know what your primary love language is? Do you know what your partner’s is? What do you think of this idea?

Author bio: Rebecca Dettman is the founder of the Aurora Circle spiritual group and a spiritual expert who regularly appears in mainstream media. Her weekly PowerFM radio show, articles, seminars, intuitive readings and events have inspired thousands of people to release their blockages, find their personal power and embrace their life purpose. She is also the host of a podcast show called Love-Life.

Connect with Rebecca …

Twitter: @MissPsychette


Positive affirmation for the day: I am deeply loved.

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Awesome post! I just took the test and it was very spot on

A friend introduced me to these 5 languages of love very early on in my relationship with my current partner (going on 11 years now). It was incredibly useful and really changed how we communicated.
ps – Mine primary language is Physical Touch and his is Acts of Service :)

What a great spin on the gratitude journal, love it!

A great post Rebecca, thank you. xxoo

This is so interesting! I’ve heard a lot about this book and am definitely drawn to it.
Great post!

Great Post! I was given Mr. Chapman’s book at a very young age and find it’s changed (and improved) the way I view all relationships, and not just my relationship with my husband. Great principles to apply! Thanks for the reminder.

Good reminder! My husband & I were mentored with this book at our ‘marriage counselling’, and even though hubby didn’t read it, the discussions were amazing. I always recommend this book every time I have a friend with troubles of the heart. It just makes so much sense to give to others what they need, rather than what you THINK they need. By tuning into your partner, you are making an effort to understand them, rather than the much harder effort of trying to make the effort to get them to understand you.

I should say, pre marriage counselling! Ooops!

Wow! I am not in a relationship right now but I am so glad I read this. Will definitely come in handy in the near future x

Wow. It all makes sense now! My boyfriend is always doing Acts of Service and I am always wanting, needing and giving Quality Time. No wonder we’re a bit out of sync, very enlightening! Thank you

I really like this post! It is a great idea to have a gratitude journal for your partner. Even when I write in my gratitude journal, I find that most things I write are about my partner so it makes sense to combine the two. I also think that having time set aside each day to just be together playing board games, having a glass of wine or watching a funny movie is a great way to feel in tune. Thank you for the nice reminder :) xo

Some good points there Rebecca. It will be 32 years for us in April, and there’s still lots of romance in our lives – yay…… It’s 64 years for my parents (mum is 89 and dad is 91). Kind regards, Lyall

Great article. I’ve just started keeping a journal myself – but writing one for each other and sharing it is a great idea. Appreciating each other is what we don’t do enough these days. Thank you x

Just ordered the book you mentioned, cant wait to read it!!

I read this book a few years ago. It helps to understand why your partner acts in a way and why you act differently. Understanding this reasons helps you being compassionate about your partner. You don’t think with your EGO, but with your mind and soul.


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I love this post. I have been together with my husband since Summer 1999. We married Feb 2001 and had a baby the same year….so YES, I know our love languages. After a while, you start to figure out what makes the guy happy !!

for him, it’s (connected) sex. very loving. he’s a venus in Pisces.
acts of service- like cooking a great meal for him. or just making his lunch for work.

my love language is- snuggling and affection……and words of appreciation.

great post. I want to try your journal idea.